For the next few days, weeks, or months (depending on how successful it is), I will be conducting an experiment. These posts will be numbered, as this one is, in chronological order from start to finish. I’m doing this because right now I don’t have anyone to talk to, and writing in a journal doesn’t really help me.
These posts are not guaranteed to make sense. They are not guaranteed to be completely coherent. I’m going through a rough time, and my writing when I’m upset isn’t the greatest. I know, editing would solve the problem. But that defeats the purpose of just getting the emotions out. Talking about it helps, but I have to do this my way. Hopefully, over time I become a bit more coherent from the start.
That said, the purpose of this project to make me feel better. Don’t be afraid to comment, ask questions, etc. I can handle those in a much more analytical fashion than the posts themselves. Don’t be afraid of upsetting me, but understand that if the only thing you can think to say is “why can’t you just make new friends,” or “why don’t you just ditch those people,” I will probably respond rather harshly, if at all. This is a process, and I need to move at my own pace. It just doesn’t work otherwise. Friends are very important to me, and separating from them like this is very painful. I’ve lost a lot of confidence and trust in the process, and it takes time to heal from that sort of damage.
Today, the actual post will be under the fold.
I’ve been thinking about happiness lately. How I haven’t really been happy for the past nine months. How I can trace everything back to a single source: a day when one of my suitemates woke me up by being very loud and very excited. How I was replaced, and how I only came to realize it six months after the fact. How I may have lost not two friends, but three. How nobody wants to listen. How the tenuous connection I had with one of my maybe-still-friends snapped when she walked out of the room during a conversation.
I don’t make friends easily, and now I’ve noticed my own withdrawal. I’m not comfortable talking to other people because as far as I know, they’ll draw away just like everybody else. On the good days, that’s okay, because I don’t need to talk.
The bad days are the weekends. The days very much like, and including, today. The days where I don’t speak to anyone because I’m just so upset and don’t have anywhere to go. I turn on the Weather Channel and fall asleep in the middle of the day because I can’t deal with it anymore. Nothing seems real. I crave physical sensation, touch, voices that aren’t my own.
Touch cravings are the worst part. I want to hold hands with someone, hug someone, just be near someone. More than anything else, I want to know that I am not alone. But when I’m upset I get clingy. People don’t like clingy. Sometimes I wonder if friends still exist, if I still exist. I guess it’s like that Doctor Who episode: “When you stop looking, it’s like we just stop.”* Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just stopped.
Not even school helps on the weekends. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do but homework, which doesn’t happen if I’m too upset to do anything. So when I’m not too upset to do so, I turn to other things. They provide some sort of relief, but it’s a temporary feeling. When it’s happening, I can feel anything from nothing to happy. But when it’s over, I don’t always feel better. Sometimes I feel worse. Still, I think it’s important to have even that short time during which I can feel maybe a little bit more of a person.
So, I guess, these are the things that make me happy-ish:
Doctor Who. Over the summer, when things got really bad with my flatmates, I dropped LOST and started re-watching the fourth season. Donna will always be my favorite companion. I initially watched the fourth season right when things started turning downward, and it helped at the time. Though I haven’t actually gotten all the way through the fifth season, I started re-watching the whole rebooted series over the summer. I did this alone, because I decided I needed to begin to really separate myself from my increasingly-destructive relationship with my flatmate. The show makes me feel human, and sometimes downright happy.
Minecraft. I started playing again yesterday, so I’m not sure how it’ll make me feel in the long run. I don’t like the stress of survival mode, so I just kind of build things and explore in sandbox mode. At the time, it didn’t make me feel happy so much as give me something to do to stave off everything else. It’s also downright addicting.
Children’s books. I stopped reading everything but my course books for a short time over the summer. I just wasn’t interested in reading. Absolutely nothing appealed to me. Then I picked up the Harry Potter books on a whim and they just sort of stuck. On my last day of research I bought a copy of The Once and Future King, thinking that I’d like to read The Sword and the Stone again. That one stuck, too. It was refreshing to find something I actually wanted to read, and right now I don’t think I could stand reading anything else.
Movies. I’m really careful about this one. Lately anything romantic can set me off, so unless it’s movie night at the dorm I have to pick and choose. The wrong movie can make me feel ten times worse than when I started, but the right movie, played around one in the morning, can be nice.
Writing. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Thinking as another person is a tool I use to escape. It goes along well with the reading, I suppose.
*Season 4, Episode 9 or 10. It’s a two-part arc: “Silence in the Library” and “Forest of the Dead.”