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Monthly Archives: April 2014

What do I do?

Things haven’t been going well. School hasn’t been going well. Friends haven’t been going well. I have major depressive disorder, paralytic anxieties, zero self-confidence, and I feel like I’m constantly drowning in work.

The worst part is, I know what I should do. There’s no point in (figuratively) killing myself with school work while I go through this. I won’t be able to get anything done. Grades will get worse. I’ll get kicked out of the program. But I’m honestly not enjoying it. I can’t stand going day after day after day like this, just stuck.

If I take a medical leave-of-absence, of I can go home. I can have better access to treatment for my depression and anxiety. I can work on building myself up. I’ve thought it out, too. I wouldn’t have to stay at home all the time. I could volunteer at the library down the street, could ride my bike there in the mornings. I could get a part-time job somewhere close to home. I wouldn’t be at school, and I would miss it, but I kind of think it might be better to focus on myself before I focus on schoolwork.

Logically, this makes the most sense. This is what I should probably do.

But should I do it?

My graduation date is in 2015. My sister graduates high school in 2015. My parents help a great deal with my tuition, and they’ll do the same with my sister. The plan was that when I go to grad school, I’m completely on my own. We don’t have enough money to support two students at once. If I take a leave-of-absence, I’ll graduate in December 2015. That’s a semester of overlap that nobody can afford to cover.

I have no idea how to talk to my parents about this. I have no idea what it will do when I go to apply for grad school. I know that’s exactly what they’re going to bring up, too. I’ll probably ruin my chances if I do it. I could lose absolutely everything I’ve worked for.

But I’m drowning. I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking that I just want to fall off the map. Just stop existing for a while. Just until I get my head on straight. There are people telling me, “oh, that’s normal, it’s near the end of the semester and this happens to everybody,” but I don’t think it does. I legitimately do not want to be here. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do because I know that if I do it I won’t necessarily have the support of the people around me. I have people telling me that I just need to talk, I just need to speak up. But with no self-confidence and increasingly severe social anxiety, I can’t. I feel like I’m taking the easy way out, that I’m just giving up, even as I know that I’m trying to live in a way in which I can’t sustain. And I don’t know what to do about it.

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in Uncategorized