What do I do?

07 Apr

Things haven’t been going well. School hasn’t been going well. Friends haven’t been going well. I have major depressive disorder, paralytic anxieties, zero self-confidence, and I feel like I’m constantly drowning in work.

The worst part is, I know what I should do. There’s no point in (figuratively) killing myself with school work while I go through this. I won’t be able to get anything done. Grades will get worse. I’ll get kicked out of the program. But I’m honestly not enjoying it. I can’t stand going day after day after day like this, just stuck.

If I take a medical leave-of-absence, of I can go home. I can have better access to treatment for my depression and anxiety. I can work on building myself up. I’ve thought it out, too. I wouldn’t have to stay at home all the time. I could volunteer at the library down the street, could ride my bike there in the mornings. I could get a part-time job somewhere close to home. I wouldn’t be at school, and I would miss it, but I kind of think it might be better to focus on myself before I focus on schoolwork.

Logically, this makes the most sense. This is what I should probably do.

But should I do it?

My graduation date is in 2015. My sister graduates high school in 2015. My parents help a great deal with my tuition, and they’ll do the same with my sister. The plan was that when I go to grad school, I’m completely on my own. We don’t have enough money to support two students at once. If I take a leave-of-absence, I’ll graduate in December 2015. That’s a semester of overlap that nobody can afford to cover.

I have no idea how to talk to my parents about this. I have no idea what it will do when I go to apply for grad school. I know that’s exactly what they’re going to bring up, too. I’ll probably ruin my chances if I do it. I could lose absolutely everything I’ve worked for.

But I’m drowning. I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking that I just want to fall off the map. Just stop existing for a while. Just until I get my head on straight. There are people telling me, “oh, that’s normal, it’s near the end of the semester and this happens to everybody,” but I don’t think it does. I legitimately do not want to be here. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do because I know that if I do it I won’t necessarily have the support of the people around me. I have people telling me that I just need to talk, I just need to speak up. But with no self-confidence and increasingly severe social anxiety, I can’t. I feel like I’m taking the easy way out, that I’m just giving up, even as I know that I’m trying to live in a way in which I can’t sustain. And I don’t know what to do about it.

1 Comment

Posted by on April 7, 2014 in Uncategorized


One response to “What do I do?

  1. Clarissa

    April 7, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Dear Pen, this is certainly not “normal” in the sense that this is not how one is supposed to be feeling irrespective of whether it’s end of semester or not.

    Do you have an opportunity to seek counseling and therapy on campus? It’s very important that you start getting therapy as soon as possible.

    If you have to take some time off school, that doesn’t make you a failure or a bad person. And it doesn’t mean you will be losing everything you worked for. In your current state, taking a break to get better is the smartest thing to do.

    Are you telling your parents about how you are feeling? Maybe they really need to know what you are going through.

    Remember, it’s not your fault that things are so hard for you. And you are not doomed to be unhappy forever. You just need some time to recover, maybe do no work at all during the summer and just take care if yourself and try to get some rest.


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