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Monthly Archives: November 2014

An Experiment in Tone

I admit, I am guilty of putting question marks at the end of statements. It always seemed like the most polite thing to do. But lately I fully realized that the stigma of a woman actually showing confidence is a stupid cultural power play. I’d known this intellectually for a long time, but I’d never really formed an opinion on the matter. It was more of an interesting aspect of the world I lived in.

So now, deciding it was an absolutely stupid thing, I’ve changed the way I’ve worded my emails (not all of them at the moment, just the ones relating to school). I still have a lot of verbal instances where question marks happen, but verbal habits won’t change without my thinking habits changing first.

I’ve had interesting results. People are more straightforward, more blunt. Part of me finds this upsetting. The other part of me finds it extremely satisfying. Of course, that could be partly because I was finally able to get the override I needed. A week-long event of being directed elsewhere is pretty annoying. :p

(I contacted Placement Testing, was redirected to Advisement, and again to Admissions, and again to Registration. Oh, how I long to actually go back to the school I’m used to.)

And now, after this ill-fated practice in writing without editing, I will go to bed.

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Yes, I’m on medication. I still have bad days.

Everyone I talk to seems to think that being on medication = being functional. Which is partially true, I guess. The meds help me get up in the morning, go to school and study. I still sleep a lot, but I’ve got the energy to do more than watch scary shows with minimal romantic subplot on Netflix. I’m reading, I’m following a (very basic) schedule, I’m writing again. I’m doing excellent in my class, and I’m even working on a new project.

What people don’t seem to understand is that being on medication doesn’t change everything. I still have days when I can’t get out of bed. I still have nights where I can’t get to sleep. Most importantly, I still hate to do the things I hated to do before my depression. I still hate going to family birthday parties. I’m still introverted. I still have social anxiety. I still hate to talk to people. I’m still dealing with the friend issues I’ve been working on for going on two years now. I still hate to clean. For some reason, people equate taking medication with suddenly being willing to do things I dislike, even though I’ve never liked doing it. It’s made worse by the fact that I’m home most days of the week.

Of course, it isn’t helped by my inability to find a therapist. Everyone who takes my insurance is booked. Though, even when I was seeing someone, my mom seemed to think that I was supposed to just get better right away.

I understand that it’s frustrating for people when I have bad days or when I don’t have any willingness to do what they want. But do they have any idea how frustrating it is for me when they equate it all with laziness and say I’m taking advantage of them and if only I would just do something, then they wouldn’t think I was pretending to have depression for attention. Yes, because I want to have days when I just can’t get the energy get up in the morning.

I already think I’m just a lazy asshole who’s good for absolutely nothing and who’s doomed to be alone forever. So how the hell do you think I feel when you call me lazy and point out every problematic decision or indecision I’ve ever had in the past six months?

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

WTF

Why the hell does the SUNY Chancellor need a $200,000 raise? She already has a base pay of over $400,000, and she gets a large pension from Ohio. What the fuck?! You raise SUNY tuition, crack down on who actually is able to get aid from the school, and for what? So we can pay for that kind of raise?

What the fuck is going on here? Do you just get off on making it harder for students to actually get an education?

 
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Posted by on November 1, 2014 in Uncategorized