Everyone I talk to seems to think that being on medication = being functional. Which is partially true, I guess. The meds help me get up in the morning, go to school and study. I still sleep a lot, but I’ve got the energy to do more than watch scary shows with minimal romantic subplot on Netflix. I’m reading, I’m following a (very basic) schedule, I’m writing again. I’m doing excellent in my class, and I’m even working on a new project.
What people don’t seem to understand is that being on medication doesn’t change everything. I still have days when I can’t get out of bed. I still have nights where I can’t get to sleep. Most importantly, I still hate to do the things I hated to do before my depression. I still hate going to family birthday parties. I’m still introverted. I still have social anxiety. I still hate to talk to people. I’m still dealing with the friend issues I’ve been working on for going on two years now. I still hate to clean. For some reason, people equate taking medication with suddenly being willing to do things I dislike, even though I’ve never liked doing it. It’s made worse by the fact that I’m home most days of the week.
Of course, it isn’t helped by my inability to find a therapist. Everyone who takes my insurance is booked. Though, even when I was seeing someone, my mom seemed to think that I was supposed to just get better right away.
I understand that it’s frustrating for people when I have bad days or when I don’t have any willingness to do what they want. But do they have any idea how frustrating it is for me when they equate it all with laziness and say I’m taking advantage of them and if only I would just do something, then they wouldn’t think I was pretending to have depression for attention. Yes, because I want to have days when I just can’t get the energy get up in the morning.
I already think I’m just a lazy asshole who’s good for absolutely nothing and who’s doomed to be alone forever. So how the hell do you think I feel when you call me lazy and point out every problematic decision or indecision I’ve ever had in the past six months?