I’m going to try something new. Details to follow. 🙂
My grandmother was admitted to the ER yesterday. She’s fine, most of her symptoms were resolved, and she was admitted to be placed under observation. The crux of the matter — of course — is that the hospital was completely out of beds. So she overnighted in the ER gurney.
The best part of the day yesterday was the blankets. We asked for an extra, and got two. We were then told that if my grandmother was using them, they couldn’t be taken away.
For some reason it seemed so funny. There are no beds, but there are extra blankets. Apparently neither happens very often.
My birthday was on Sunday. I feel old for someone so unaccomplished. Kids my age are graduating college, and I’m only halfway through the decision of figuring out if I actually want to continue pursuing physics. I don’t have a job. I go to school part-time, two days a week. My room isn’t done.
But I have Batman socks, complete with capes, so I guess I’m happy?
I’ve started a new writing project. Again. Today I wrote 167 words over a course of…I actually can’t say how long, because I did part of it while we were watching a video in class. I’m pretty optimistic, since this is a project I’ve been dwelling on for weeks.
I’ve re-started on the writing critique site I haven’t been on in a really long while. I think it’s been three years.
I’ve reactivated my account on another site whose forums I haven’t visited in about six months or so.
I got recommended for honors classes at the school I’m attending while I’m on leave.
I changed my blog theme.
I restarted my research project, which was put on pause while I worked some stuff out. The analyses we’re doing in my Mythology class has helped me regain my motivation.
I restarted Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, and started a new game of Pokemon Rangers: Guardian Signs.
I’ve been very, very slowly building a new thing on Minecraft. I also discovered the Rabbit Spawn and Toast.
I went out for birthday french fries, milkshakes, and raspberry sorbet with my friend, whose birthday is close to mine. We also watched Black Death, a very depressing movie starring the guy who plays Boromir in LOTR (I am told his name is Sean Bean) and Eddie Redmayne, the hot guy who played Marius in the newest film production of Les Mis. The ending seems like a bit of a cop-out, I think, but we had fun.
I got 102% on my first psych exam (Social Psychology of the Holocaust, for those wondering).
I got to visit my friend back at school the week before last at her awesome new apartment. She even gets to keep her cat there, and the problems with the super-aggressive second cat are all resolved. I also got shinsplints.
I’m writing this post.
These aren’t resolutions, but I’m in some serious need of some self-care right now and this is helping a lot. This week and a half I’ve been pretty off–today I needed to take absences in Mythology and History (US History Since 1865, for those wondering) because of an anxiety attack I had over a missed reading assignment (I read the wrong dates on the syllabus) and a missed writing assignment (I was sick and forgot about it) shortly before Mythology was due to begin this morning. I hate taking days off for stuff like this, but I needed the time to do some serious thinking about perspective.
I got up this morning. I brushed my teeth and got a giant knot out of my hair. I got dressed, and I wore my new, awesome bra.
I am also getting a baby tree tomorrow for my birthday. I’m going to raise it as a bonsai. I want to know so badly what kind it is, but the lady at the store didn’t tell my mom, only that it’d be coming in on Wednesday.
Tonight my family is going to celebrate my birthday at a fancy Italian place. I’m going to have gnocchi, and it will be wonderful.
I admit, I am guilty of putting question marks at the end of statements. It always seemed like the most polite thing to do. But lately I fully realized that the stigma of a woman actually showing confidence is a stupid cultural power play. I’d known this intellectually for a long time, but I’d never really formed an opinion on the matter. It was more of an interesting aspect of the world I lived in.
So now, deciding it was an absolutely stupid thing, I’ve changed the way I’ve worded my emails (not all of them at the moment, just the ones relating to school). I still have a lot of verbal instances where question marks happen, but verbal habits won’t change without my thinking habits changing first.
I’ve had interesting results. People are more straightforward, more blunt. Part of me finds this upsetting. The other part of me finds it extremely satisfying. Of course, that could be partly because I was finally able to get the override I needed. A week-long event of being directed elsewhere is pretty annoying. :p
(I contacted Placement Testing, was redirected to Advisement, and again to Admissions, and again to Registration. Oh, how I long to actually go back to the school I’m used to.)
And now, after this ill-fated practice in writing without editing, I will go to bed.
Everyone I talk to seems to think that being on medication = being functional. Which is partially true, I guess. The meds help me get up in the morning, go to school and study. I still sleep a lot, but I’ve got the energy to do more than watch scary shows with minimal romantic subplot on Netflix. I’m reading, I’m following a (very basic) schedule, I’m writing again. I’m doing excellent in my class, and I’m even working on a new project.
What people don’t seem to understand is that being on medication doesn’t change everything. I still have days when I can’t get out of bed. I still have nights where I can’t get to sleep. Most importantly, I still hate to do the things I hated to do before my depression. I still hate going to family birthday parties. I’m still introverted. I still have social anxiety. I still hate to talk to people. I’m still dealing with the friend issues I’ve been working on for going on two years now. I still hate to clean. For some reason, people equate taking medication with suddenly being willing to do things I dislike, even though I’ve never liked doing it. It’s made worse by the fact that I’m home most days of the week.
Of course, it isn’t helped by my inability to find a therapist. Everyone who takes my insurance is booked. Though, even when I was seeing someone, my mom seemed to think that I was supposed to just get better right away.
I understand that it’s frustrating for people when I have bad days or when I don’t have any willingness to do what they want. But do they have any idea how frustrating it is for me when they equate it all with laziness and say I’m taking advantage of them and if only I would just do something, then they wouldn’t think I was pretending to have depression for attention. Yes, because I want to have days when I just can’t get the energy get up in the morning.
I already think I’m just a lazy asshole who’s good for absolutely nothing and who’s doomed to be alone forever. So how the hell do you think I feel when you call me lazy and point out every problematic decision or indecision I’ve ever had in the past six months?
Why the hell does the SUNY Chancellor need a $200,000 raise? She already has a base pay of over $400,000, and she gets a large pension from Ohio. What the fuck?! You raise SUNY tuition, crack down on who actually is able to get aid from the school, and for what? So we can pay for that kind of raise?
What the fuck is going on here? Do you just get off on making it harder for students to actually get an education?
Yes, I know, really cheesy crappy title. BUT LOOK! LOOK WHAT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!
I have been waiting for this book to be delivered by the post office since yesterday, when it actually arrived there. The book behind it is Carl Zimmer’s Parasite Rex, for those wondering. It’s an ILL, it’s about parasites, and it is EXCELLENT.